A
blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar.
"Hey,
want to hear a really great blond joke?"
He says when the bartender brings him his drink.
The
place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low
voice: "Before you tell that joke,
you should know something. The bartender
is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black
belt in karate. The guy sitting on your
right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his
right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna
tell that joke?"
The
blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but simply could not afford the prices the local vendors were
asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a
big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spots the
blond standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She takes aim, kills the creature
and with a great deal of effort hauls it up on the bank. Laying nearby were several other dead
alligators. Just then the blonde flips
the freshly killed alligator on its’ back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"SON OF A BITCH! This one ain't wearing any shoes either!"
Billy Graham - Chauffeur
Billy Graham was returning
to
As he prepared to get into
the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I
drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No
problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the
driver's seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat
a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a
55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the
procedure. The young trooper walked up to
the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see
who was driving. He immediately excused
himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed to enforce the law ... But I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important
person."
The supervisor asked,
"Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said,
"No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally
asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think its Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur
All
babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months,
develop into a complete female baby. The
problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a
male baby instead.
Because there
are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's
reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the
female. Recent tests have shown that
these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate
lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar
to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so
to speak. And some of their cards are in
their shorts. This difference between
the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little
girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things
like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things
before taking any action. Little boys
will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them
why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the
other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty,
when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After
puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains
differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their
bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain
cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend
to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as
"Republicans." Other men
suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as
"Democrats." A small number of
men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as.....
"Mr. President."
An
Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to
jump off this building." The
Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "
Next
day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to
his death. The Mexican opens his lunch,
sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde
opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At
the funeral, The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to him again!"
The
Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone
turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at
me" she said. "He made his own lunch."
A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar
and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll
jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're
on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and
said, "All is fair. Here is your
money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it
again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower
shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She
sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.... for
no reason."
The
blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you
like getting flowers?"
The
red head says, "Oh sure..... but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the
next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The
blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A plane is on its way to
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that
there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat. The
copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid
for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to
reason. The pilot says "You say
she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm Sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy
section. The flight attendant and
copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any
fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to
A young teenage girl was about to finish her
first year of college. She considered herself a very liberal Democrat but her
father was a rather staunch Republican.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs
and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was
doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was
tough. She had to study all the time,
never had time to go out and party. She
didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends
because of spending all her time studying.
He asked, "How is your friend
Mary." She replied that Mary was
barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA,
never studied, but was very popular on campus, went to all the parties all the
time. Why she often didn't show up for
classes because she was hung over.
Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to
the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to
her friend who only had a 2.0. That way
they would both have a 3.0 GPA.
The daughter angrily fired back, "that
wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done
nothing".
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome
to the Republican Party."
Corporate
Lessons
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all
day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the
tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little bird was flying south for the
winter. It was so cold; the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there a cow came by and dropped some dung on the
bird.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The Morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your
enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth
shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy old man decided to go on a safari in
One day, the dachshund starts chasing
butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having
lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK,
I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close! That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the
dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with
the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear,
the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey?
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Moral of the story is: Sometimes if you can't dazzle them with
brilliance, you can baffle them with bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The National Science Foundation announced the
following study results on corporate
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level
employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed
in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just
one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want
to be in the
Poof!
She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the
manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in
the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
the first say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved
to play together.
One day,
the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for
he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around the chicken spied the farmer's
new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys
inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but
happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny Beemer and managed to get a hold
of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued
the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back
to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented, best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud
pit and he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over and
straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his tackle" and he would
then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled
him up and out, saving his life.
Moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need
a BMW to pick up chicks.
Corporate
Lessons
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all
day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the
tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to
the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there a cow came by and dropped some dung on the bird.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The Morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your
enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth
shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy old man decided to go on a safari in
One day, the dachshund starts chasing
butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having
lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK,
I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close! That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the
dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with
the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear,
the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey?
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Moral of the story is: Sometimes if you can't dazzle them with
brilliance, you can baffle them with bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The National Science Foundation announced the
following study results on corporate
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level
employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed
in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just
one wish."
"Me first!
Me first!" says the admin.
clerk. "I want to be in the
Poof!
She's gone.
"Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in
Poof!
He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the
manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in
the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
the first say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~